I’m not going to write about how RAD affects our lives today because then I’m only telling you about a fraction of our life.
When Kevin and I were fostering we used to spend many endless nights staying up comforting little ones who had multiple nightmares in the night.
Like I’ve said before I love to bake so I came up with a concept to help kids have a restful sleep at night.
I asked the kids if you were a monster where would you hide?
They pointed to closets, drawers, under the beds and behind the door.
So the next day I got out my large baking bowl and told the kids that I went and caught all the monsters in the house and made cookies out of them.
I said that once you eat the cookies the monsters would go away, well the kids really loved that idea so every so often I’d go hunting for monsters and store them away until I had enough to make cookies.
I can’t really take credit for the idea as one year around Halloween my sister was 5 years old at the time and had heard of a story about a mean old witch that her teacher read to the class.
She told my sister that morning to bring all her friend’s home from school as she had a surprise waiting for her.
So while my sister was in school my mom got into her baking cabinet and proceeded to bake a cake.
When she came home with a few of her friends mom proceeded to tell the little girls how she managed to capture the mean old witch and baked her in the oven.
Well the cake was a hit because my sister’s nightmares went away after that and she was never scared of witches again.
I was only 3 years old at that time but I remember the story well, it was a favourite memory for my sister one that has stayed with me for years to come.
Often times while we were fostering we would get babies and small children well under nourished.
My heart really went out to these kids because I was somewhat restricted in what I was able to do and the parents saw nothing wrong with giving their kids junk food during their supervised visits.
It felt like once you started getting them on the right track the parents would often ignore or throw out the healthy snacks I packed away and give them a box of cookies or doughnuts to chomp on.
Those nights we stayed up late with them crying and screaming because their tummies were in pain and they just felt miserable.
With compassion and understanding these parents were trying to make up for not seeing their children for whatever reason they had and honestly felt they were doing the right thing.
I remember spending 7 hours in a hospital waiting room watching intoxicated people be pushed ahead of us after only spending minutes waiting, while a room full of babies wait for hours only to have the doctor on call hold the baby like as if she were a bomb about to explode.
He was absolutely no help whatsoever because his only  suggestion was to give her prunes, something I could have done at home.
There was no examination he didn’t even feel her hard belly and although she was constipated, and her bowels were rock hard he did nothing for her.
Our hands were tied there was nothing we could really do except document everything, I bent over backwards to please everyone from the case workers to the mother needless my word meant absolutely nothing and I was frustrated.
So I decided to take matters in my own hands, I took out my baking bowl and got started making mini bran muffins for her she loved them.
Unfortunately though I learned that while she was on these visits the healthy snacks I provided were often discarded, and I was back to square one.
Winnie the Pooh has a significant part of my fostering experience.
Most of the babies we fostered were often so terrified that the only real comfort to them were songs from Winnie the Pooh.
Holding a child in my arms, rocking them back and forth I’d start to sing to them, this was a great comfort to them.
Often times I’d sing this song to them repeatedly until they stopped screaming, soon after I’d start they would self calm,  listen to the song and the sound of my voice.
It was Winnie who became a staple in our home, when Grace was younger and I had errands to run I’d get the odd phone call from Kevin asking me to sing the Huffalump Song because she wouldn’t go to bed unless I sung it to her.

Huffalump Song

Twinkle, Twinkle little lump
Go to sleep don’t be a grump
Sleeping is what bedtime’s for
Lay your trunk but do not snore
Twinkle, Twinkle little lump
Go to sleep don’t be a grump

Most of the times people around me could hear me singing in my phone, I’d see the knowing smiles in some and the confused looks in others.
It was to me a very precious and special time for me and I didn’t care if people thought me strange.
All the babies and toddlers we fostered were a part of our family even if they were with us for a short time.
I feel I was born to be a mother, God has a plan for me in the back of my mind I always knew children would be in my life and I always knew it would not be an easy journey.

” For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me. Mathew 25: 35-36

In January 2009 we put ourselves back on the availability list, I thought that if I kept busy with another child my thoughts of Jayson would lessen, shortly after, we accepted a six month old baby boy. He was a good distraction for me, within a week however he was sent back to his mother much to the dismay of his social worker. Over the many years of fostering we got used to the sudden changes it wasn’t unusual to get a call at 10 pm to tell us that a driver was on their way to pick up a child we were always ready for the unexpected. I made sure that when I left the house for any amount of time that my phone was always with me, you never really knew when you would get that call for me it was  an adrenaline rush I loved the thrill it brought. We didn’t have to wait that long as the next day I got a call for a 10 month old baby girl. Shortly after taking in this little one we suspected that she was drug baby as she had most of the effects we were trained in and given the information we had on the mother there was no doubt. For several months I suppose you could say we were on survival mode, the baby wasn’t sleeping and her screams were frankly all behavioral the longer she was with us. I suppose the most difficult obstacle we had to work with had to be her case worker who was in complete denial on her medical needs. This wasn’t new to us though exasperating, mind you but unfortunately not unusual in fact it became a way of life for us. As a foster parent we were to believe that social workers and foster parents worked together for a common goal,the truth was we weren’t  a lot of the times we were the very last ones to know of any changes in a child’s case and we were expected to comply . It amazes me as someone working on the same side of the dept of child services as case workers and our support workers just how much we are left on our own to figure out what we are and are not aloud to do regarding the care of the children as the rules and regulations keep changing from social worker to social worker. March 2009 I got  call from a previous support worker informing us that Jayson was back in care. Shock couldn’t even begin to describe how I was feeling, stunned, scared, excited, and worried sick are just a few emotions I felt. I had no idea what to do  I was completely numb. We got the place where they were staying and headed out to the hotel not knowing what we were walking into or expect I prayed  all the way across town. He grew a foot it seemed when he opened the door and speaking clearly unlike the little boy we surrendered custody to his birth mother 5 months earlier. We took him back home unfortunately we had to leave Grace behind due to the baby we already had as our license was maxed out at 2 children, it broke my heart I didn’t want to leave her but I knew I had no other choice. Needless three days later they transferred Grace into our care  “temporarily ” of course. As “D” walked up to the door holding Grace in his arms as  he caught Kevin’s eye he just shook his head and no words were said as he knew as did we they were wrong. So here we were with three little ones under the age of 5 and running on next to no sleep. We put both babies next to our room and Jayson was back in his old room, dressers were crammed in our room to make space for the 2 cribs. Both Kevin and I were on survival mode Kevin still had to get up early in the mornings for work and in between baby T’s screaming all night and Jayson’s night terrors the only person getting any sleep was Grace. If it wasn’t for our support worker Gail and the kids case worker Dan I don’t think we would have gotten through it. Baby T’s support worker was not the least bit thrilled that Grace was with us and demanded that she be transferred immediately as” her client was here first”. The truth was Grace would not be moved as it was not in Jayson’s best interest everyone knew that to send Grace away would send Jay over the edge. So the fight was on, instead of helping the situation her case worker dug her heels in the ground and refused to give us any supports or respite care, where as both Dan and Gail did everything they possibly could to give us the help we desperately needed bending rules every step on the way. During the day we were ok it was the night that we needed the most help but there was nothing they could do except throw house keepers, mommy helpers you name it we got it including extra baby gates and baby equipment . The day Jayson went back to school I had the school bus and a driver to take him to and from school thanks to one phone call from Dan things were starting to get back to “normal”. Right away I knew this wasn’t the same little boy we saw 5 months ago he was angry and very destructive I could honestly say I had no idea what was going on with him. I suppose I was expecting the same little kid we left months earlier, looking back now I was totally clueless and way too strict on him. I regret a lot of things I did when he first came back to us I just couldn’t figure out why was he being such an “ungrateful brat”, knowing then what I know now my whole perspective would have been so much different. I didn’t understand why he was ripping apart and breaking things with no regard to what he was doing I was frustrated and angry over his behavior why, at nearly 5 years old was he having difficulty dressing himself, feeding himself and doing basic grooming that a child of his age should be able to carry out in a matter of seconds if not minutes? Looking back, the amount of guilt I carry now  is incredible but all I can really do is learn from my mistakes and move forward. We had 3 children all with various special needs under the age of 5 yrs 2 under a year the only one getting any sleep was Grace, for the life of me I could not figure out  how she managed to sleep through all the chaos that happened at night. Both Kevin and I were walking zombies between T’s screaming and Jayson’s night terrors we were beyond exhausted. Both support workers managed to get me some help during the day but that didn’t work out very well at all. I had scheduled a girl to come in first thing in the mornings to get Jayson and the two babies up and ready and to possibly look after them while I tried to get in a nap. The girl finally showed up at 1 pm while the babies were napping and Jayson was just coming home from school so she really was of no use to me. When asked to take her dirty shoes off at the door she refused her excuse was that she had to keep them on if they tried to escape. I stood there sleep deprived and completely stunned I told her we had 2 babies non walkers by the way and a preschooler, what did she think would happen the babies would make a break for it? At this point I was near tears I asked again for her to remove her shoes and again she refused, I then told her that maybe she should leave and she refused. So like any sleep deprived parent I found the only room in the house with an inch of privacy ….. yes the bathroom. I called Dan and told him what was happening in between bouts of tears that this “girl” refused to leave our home so one call from Dan to her boss and she was out the door as Jayson and I baked cookies I was livid and needed to focus my anger into something positive. For several months both Kevin and I were on survival mode in fact most of that time is a blur to me our support worker was doing everything she could possibly do to convince baby T’s worker to find a suitable foster home or she would give us permission to take her to Crisis, in my heart regardless I could never do that to her no matter how bad but in the end it motivated her to find a foster home for her. On June 4 2009 we got the call stating that we were to pack baby T up within a few hours as she was being transferred ASAP.

“A future awaits for those that seek peace”  Psalm 37:37 

“For I know the plans I have for you….. plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future ”        Jeremiah 29:11

 
That night  I didn’t sleep, all I could think about was how we left him standing outside b.m”s apt, seeing him waving good-bye and smiling that wide smile of his. He had no idea we would never see him again I felt sick inside. The next day I had to go back to the school to make the necessary arrangements for him to take the bus and to say good-bye to his teachers. I honestly didn’t know what to do with myself now.  I was so hurt, so very angry inside, I was angry at the system for sending Jayson back to a woman,who in my opinion did absolutely nothing to deserve to get him back except give birth to him. I thought anyone could give birth to a child but I knew I was his mom yet I felt cheated. We took a much-needed break from fostering, we needed to get away and clear our heads and reconnect as a married couple and not just parents. I increased my hours at work since I didn’t have Jay at home I was free to work as many hours that I could. Two weeks after we sent Jay back to his birth mom, a message from her was left on our machine. It was a busy day I managed to recruit at least 15 potential adoptive/foster families at one of the local malls. I was extremely surprised to hear her voice coming through the machine all she asked is if I could call her back when I got in. I could not imagine why she was calling me but I had to find out. I could tell she was outside smoking her cigarettes as there was the sound of traffic in the background. She sounded pretty nonchalant, I could hear her puffing on her cigarette as she casually mentioned that there was no food in the house and that she may have to “hit “D” the kids case worker, for a grocery voucher. As she is talking I hear the worst thing a mother could hear in the background I heard a blood curdling scream, it was Jayson. The blood in my body ran ice-cold all I could think about was Jayson’s hurt and he needs me. I heard her ask Jayson if  he wanted to talk to “Jo”  a minute later he was on the phone. What happened next nearly ripped me apart inside. He explained that his “cousin” had bitten him on the ear because he wanted a toy that Jayson was playing with, a toy that was given to him as a gift from my parents.  He pleaded with me to take him home “MOMMY PLEASE COME GET ME I PROMISE TO BE GOOD!!” over and over as he is saying this his birth mom is telling him that she was his mom not me. I felt sick to my stomach it took everything I had NOT to just drop the phone and go get him, and bring him home safe. Instead I reassured him as best I could, knowing that I was the only one giving him the comfort he needed. All I wanted to do was hold him in my arms but I couldn’t because had I gone with my gut (like I wanted to) the police would be called. I got off the phone and straight away emailed every single case worker as well as their supervisors about what had just transpired. My nerves were completely understandably shot I didn’t sleep for days afterwards knowing that he wasn’t safe and yet there wasn’t a damn thing I could do about it I felt helpless. Knowing that I couldn’t go straight to the apt where he was and take both him and the baby nearly killed me.

In December we decided to take a trip out to Jasper Alberta to clear our heads and get back into a routine of sorts. It was lovely, we spent the days walking through the little shops downtown and taking in the sites of this beautiful town.  My mind however was never far from Jayson both Kevin and I talked about him non stop we were both very worried. At least we told our support workers as well as Jay’s that if he were to come back into the system we wanted him back, so while we left town we made sure that if he were to come back into care while we were gone then they were to call us.
In the months ahead I’d get periodic calls about Jayson such as, “why wasn’t he at the doctor’s getting his ears checked, the bus is outside in the front  where are you ?” these calls increased my anxiety yet every time something about Jay came up I documented it and sent it on to all the case workers.

“The eyes of the Lord are everywhere, keeping watch on the wicked and the good”      Proverbs 15:3

November 8 2008 the day we had to surrender Jay to his birth mom Kevin had taken the day off from work to help me pack. The phone had rung off the hook as friends called to give their “condolences,” I felt numb I didn’t know what to say it was just weird for me. For two years this little boy was part of our lives and after tonight he wouldn’t be here to tuck into bed and kiss goodnight. We packed the car up with Jay’s things and headed up to the school. I sent a note ahead of time in his agenda informing his teacher that we needed to speak with her. When we arrived the class was empty and we sat down and explained to her what was happening with Jayson. It broke my heart when we saw Jay running to us he was oblivious to what lie ahead of him. We were to meet “D” the case worker at birth mom’s apt right after school she rang us in and we followed Jay to her suite. We were the first to arrive, it felt extremely awkward standing in the hall not knowing what we should do as  her whole demeanor was basically “I got my kid back now so get the hell out” kind of vibe. The case worker arrived and I was explaining to bm Jay’s schedule I was told to hand over all my notes to the case worker for him to read or so I had thought. Instead to my horror without reading a note he handed them to bm I was in shock even to this very day I regret not taking them back when I had the chance. While we were getting things set up for the bm we knew she didn’t hear a single word we were saying because she was distracting herself more with the baby than listening to us. We left her house with a sick feeling in the pit of our stomach the last thing we saw as we turned the corner was Jay’s big grin as he was waving good-bye.

 

On June 28 2008 our daughter Grace made her  grand entrance into the world. I got a call that afternoon from bm as we had made plans to meet that day to talk about Jay. I had given her all our contact numbers if she ever wanted or needed to get a hold of me, we talked often on the phone since April with the understanding that whatever we talked about would be documented. A part of me felt relived that she was going into labour now and not when we were out together I could not imagine how awkward that would be never mind what our support workers would say. Later that night I got another call from bm the baby arrived at 8 pm and her name was Grace. We had no idea what to expect next before bm gave birth there was talk among the support workers that it could be quite possible that they would apprehend the baby right after birth all we were told was to “wait for their call “. Two days later I got another call from bm she said that she wasn’t sure if she could leave the hospital with the baby because the nurses weren’t sure if  whether it was safe for the baby to leave as birth father once again was on a rampage and headed to the hospital.In the meantime bm  had no where else to go except to a friend’s house until it was safe for her to go back to her home. Mind you this did wonders for my sleep that night I had no idea whether we would get a call from “D” to pick up the baby or from bm. So for the next few weeks we waited and readied ourselves if we got the call.  In August we left Edmonton for BC  so we could attend my 20th high school reunion and visit with family. We had to have two plans for travel

• How to arrange the paperwork for Grace’s travel
• Would the paperwork come in time for the trip
• What we would need to bring for a newborn at the last-minute
• Do we get the stuff now or wait until she’s here and scramble like crazy the day before
• How would family react if we showed up with the two kids in tow

There were at least a half a dozen things running through my head at once  things that I knew I had to figure out before we traveled I had to be ready for anything. So we informed our support worker, Jay’s worker and everyone else in between on our travel plans. We were allowed to be away at the amount of time that the paperwork for Jay said we could. Under no condition whatsoever were we able to extent our trip longer and only allowed to stay in the city traveled no exceptions. It was one day before the trip and Jay had a visit that day with birth mom. This was perfect because this meant I could get some last-minute errands done while Jay was gone. The driver came for Jay and I took off to the grocery store reminding myself to not forget my cell. It became second nature to me, I never knew when or if I’d get the call that mom would be a no-show.  Sure enough my cart was 3/4 full when I got the call mom was a no-show. You could say that I was less than thrilled, I suppose you could say I was more angry and annoyed at birth mom to bail at the last-minute the last time she was going to see him for a week and she couldn’t make the effort to show up. I dumped the cart and left the store still steaming but knew I had to pull it together because Jayson needed me.

We made it back to the house at the same time and my radar was on full alert I didn’t know what to expect was he going to rage and cry for the remainder of the day I didn’t know. Later that night we got a call from bm. She wanted to apologize for the missed visit. She was depressed that “J”, the kids birth father was mad at her and she just did not feel up to the visit. I learned a long time ago to keep my opinions to myself about anything bio family did or said, I had to if I didn’t then I left myself open for being sucked into their dysfunctional world and I could not afford to do that. After years in the foster care system I learned that to survive I needed to keep my head on straight and not take what the bio families did personally easier said than done in my opinion and  still struggling with today. While talking to bm, Kevin and Jayson had just walked in the door I handed the phone to him and what happened next blew me away. Without any prompting from us at all Jay took the phone and stated ” You forgot about me” . He wasn’t mad, crying or upset he said it in a matter of fact voice and in truth he was right. I think it must have caught everyone off guard especially bm because after that Jay passed the phone to me only to hear the dial tone she just hung up.

For the next week we concentrated  on spending time with family and friends, bbqs and the beach. I had a great time seeing all my highschool friends and remembering old times and seeing where their lives had taken them. It was hard to believe 20 years had gone by so fast it seemed just like yesterday we were getting ready to graduate.

 

 

“He tends his flock like a shepherd: He gathers the lambs in his arms and carries them close to his heart;he gently leads those that have young” Isaiah 40:11

 
Our son Jayson first came into our hearts in March of 2006 at the young age of 2 years. We got a call from our support worker saying that there was a little boy in care that needed respite. His foster mom was going away for a month and Jayson did not have permission to leave the province. We went over to the house and there were kids everywhere. In the middle of all the chaos was a little boy with dark brown hair and the bluest eyes I’ve ever seen. We were strangers to him yet he took to us straight away, no fear whatsoever. At the time he couldn’t say anything, his only form of communication was pointing and grunting for his wants and needs. We were told ahead of time that he was a climber and climbed everything and anything that wasn’t nailed down. By the time Jayson arrived at our home the next day our house was completely Jay proof. Just to make sure we stripped his room so that there was only his crib and dresser that we moved so the drawers were against the wall needless we were not taking any chances. We knew Jayson had anger issues, there were examples his FM gave us so we were ready for anything. Jayson thrived in our care and loved the one on one attention that he was so lacking. He was calmer and very attentive not much of a talker and he was ours for the time being.  Visits with BMom happened twice weekly, we used a dual tang book to communicate back and forth, me writing about what his week has been and she writing how the visit went.  Throughout that month I got really close with birth mom I didn’t see her as the enemy but for what she was, a girl caught up in a very adult situation.The month flew by and before we knew it Jayson was going back to his other foster home, within a day of Jay’s return his behavior went straight back to where it was a month earlier that of a very angry young man.By the end of that first week arrangements were made by all to have Jayson transferred into our care. Life was great at Bergen Bear Cub foster home Jayson and I spent that time really getting to know each other. Soon though things began to change the visits between bm and  Jayson began to go down hill. The visits with bio mom became infrequent. It hurt me to see Jay so terribly hurt over and over because for some reason or other bm started to skip out on her visits. I’d say the frustrating part was when he would be 1/2 way there and there would be a call saying that she wasn’t coming or worse they would be at the office waiting and she never showed. Because of this Jayson’s behaviors would get worse, most often than not his tantrums would last until the next scheduled visit . I did my best to console him but it wasn’t the same it wasn’t me he wanted it was his mom I felt pretty helpless. I continued to write in the communication book about how Jayson’s week went and BM was always remorseful but it didn’t seem to matter,the more visits missed the worse he got. Because at the age of 2 1/2,  he had no verbal skills he expressed himself by screaming, crying and fighting.   I took personal notes during all this so that I had something to give the social workers when we had our monthly meetings. This went on for several months, all I could do was keep recording his behavior. During this time we accepted another placement a little girl 18 months old, Jay took to her instantly and they became inseparable.  I was in the kitchen baking cookies with the kids one day, I went downstairs to get a missed ingredient from the pantry and was only gone for a minute, when I came upstairs the kitchen was like a winter wonderland.  Unbeknownst to me I had left the flour within their reach and here they were in the middle of the mess looking like 2 baby snowmen. My first thought was why didn’t I have my camera ready to go this would have been a classic picture to put into his baby book. I stuck both kids in the tub washed them up and declared this to be a pajama day, they were thrilled.  It took me a couple of hours to clean up the mess and a quick phone call to Kevin on the phone just to warn him what to expect when he got home, my only regret was that my camera didn’t capture the adventure it was a priceless moment. Soon after baby girl left our home to join her baby brother and we were back to just the three of us. In October 2007 I received a call from Jayson’s social worker, apparently after getting a no contact order for Jay’s bio parents “D” informed me that bio mom was now expecting another child. I didn’t know what to think or really what this meant, were we going to get the baby after it was born, what did this mean for Jayson? On April 17 we met Jay’s birth mom for the first time, I remember this date  as though it were yesterday I was extremely nervous yet excited at the same time. It’s funny looking back because we’ve corresponded for the past 18 months yet there was a big difference between writing down whats happened during the past week and meeting face  to face. We drove down to the Dept of Children Services office with Jay to meet mom. She was young about 20 years old, quiet, shy and about 7 months pregnant. It was kind of awkward at first but soon we were chatting like old friends. We left the office so that they could finish with their visit and went to a nearby coffee shop where I sat and analyzed the meeting a dozen times in my head. Finally the visit was over, we dropped bm to a nearby friend’s place and then home. That weekend we were in Calgary for a visit with Thomas the Tank Engine.

April 1 2004 we got a call from Teresa asking wether or not we would  consider a sib group? Kinda ironic that today of all days to get a call. There was a 3-year-old  boy and his 9 month old baby sister available for adoption and our profile looked very promising. We began meeting with the children’s case worker to talk about their background and some of the potential needs they may have. The mountain of paperwork was overwhelming to say the least. The 3-year-old boy had some F.A.S but to hear them talk they didn’t seem to concerned. We had taken an introductory course on the effects of fetal alcohol syndrome but we were still pretty clueless about it. The baby was very cute and very tiny they said ….. oh and the bio mom may or may not have used while she was pregnant. Both case workers however were pretty positive about the situation and gave us the impression it wasn’t that bad so we trusted that they had our best interests at hand. After they left the house both Kevin and I were left feeling overwhelmed and very confused, right away I jumped on the computer to do research on the effects of Crystal Meth on an unborn fetus. Up until 8 years ago there was little to no information available I even tried talking to a nurse at the health unit to see if she had any information and after I explained that we were planning on adopting a child addicted to Meth not drop off a child she had to admit she had nothing to offer. We both prayed and talked non stop about our options could we handle 2 special needs children. Mid point through this process I received a call from Brenda, our file came across her desk and she was once again taking over our file. She set up a meeting for us to talk to “little E” ‘s teachers at the preschool he was attending.Up until that day Kevin and I were pretty clueless about what to expect thank god Brenda knew all the right questions to ask the teachers. The more questions Brenda asked and the more information we received about F.A.S  the more our heart sank. Fetal Alcohol Syndrome is “a long-lasting molecular effects that are not only timing specific but are dosage specific, with even moderate amounts being able to cause significant damage.” In “E’s” case there was significant damage that required special attention. Unlike what we were told by our previous support worker, we could not set up his room in his favorite comic book character Spiderman because the overstimulation it would have would be way too much for him to handle. We left the meeting with a much clearer look at what we would be getting ourselves into. We were incredibly blessed to have Brenda with us she really knew what to ask and really get us to see with open eyes, had she not been with us we’d still be pretty clueless. After the meeting she told us to seriously think over all the information that was given to us. She said to take the weekend to think it over and it was only then that she wanted to hear from us and not before that. We took the weekend and thought long and hard about the situation we were about to put ourselves through. We thought about what could happen 5, 10, even 20 years down the line and could we really work with their special needs could we handle 2 special needs children?

What would happen if we couldn’t care for them once they got older could we really send them back into the system ? We heard about so many adoptive parents putting their child back into the system because of severe behavioral issues that resulted in a high divorce rate. Thinking about that and having an adoption break down would kill us not to mention the long-lasting effects this could have on the kids. We called Brenda that Monday morning to let her know what we decided.

On August 5 I reunited mother with child it was bittersweet. I was sad to see him go but there was also joy and satisfaction. Two weeks later we received a call for a 2 year old little girl, wow what a big difference a toddler makes, going from a new-born to a toddler was a real eye opener. She reminded me of “Dora the Explorer”  cute as a button. “Dora” had the classic signs of  F.A.S very small for her age, facial features and non verbal. we had a lot of fun with her. Mealtime was always an event, she had a great pitcher’s arm everything ended up either on the floor or on me our dog Maddy must have gained at least 4 lbs in the time she was here I was contemplating wearing rain gear during these times. One day as I  had put her down for a nap, I forgot that I had left a bottle of baby oil in her room well after 10 minutes or so I just had a feeling that something wasn’t right. I went into her room thinking she was asleep only to find that she had dumped the bottle on her head. I really should have known better I was completely gob-smacked.   After cleaning babe and room up we spent the rest of the afternoon reading stories and playing quiet games as nap time wasn’t going to happen that day. I first dubbed our home as “The Bergen Bear Cubs foster home” as an endearing gesture. I was the mama bear and these little ones were my cubs, for as long as they were in our home they were a part of our family. There was a 4 month gap between “Dora” and our next placement “baby C”, we got her two weeks just before Christmas and we were truly blessed to have spent the next 3 months with her. For the next year we had 6 more little ones pass through our home. With every placement I started a communication book with the bio families while they had frequent visits with their children. When working with the bio moms especially, you basically have no other choice but to grow a thick skin and remember not to take what they say personally about their child’s care. This was really difficult for me as I just wanted the best for everyone but I could surely understand their hurt, frustration, and anger over their situation and we were primary the very people they focused their anger on. In that year alone we had gone through 3 support workers. Seemed like every time we turned around our file was getting past around from case worker to case worker  some only lasting a month or two before getting past to another worker. I was a little unnerving to say the least but it was just one of those “surprises” that we had to go with . We were very fortunate to be able to travel outside our province with one little babe in 2005 to visit family and friends the paperwork however was enough to choke an ox. I fell in love with each and every child we were blessed to have in our home I did the best I could for these kids until it was time to say good-bye. We never really know when a child is first placed how long they will be in our care sometimes it could be a week, a month or even years depending on the situation. I always thought it was pretty funny when Kevin came home from work some days not knowing who would be there for dinner and how many. We could be empty in the morning when he goes off to work then when he gets home for dinner we could have a little one sitting in a chair chowing down on Cheerios. Kevin and I signed up for the emergency care team early on which meant we could get phone calls late in the evenings from Crisis to say we have a little one in need of a home. Our neighbors got used to the sight of police vehicles parking outside our house we had very few B& Es because of this. I loved fostering I loved what I did sometimes when a child arrived they would they had some ailment or other. Colds were quite common so we made sure to always get that flu shot, one year I missed and I was sick for a week …. not fun. Being a foster parent meant that we lived in a fishbowl.  Unlike other parents we had a set of rules we had to follow, when ever there was any minor scrape, cut or fall we had to document everything which meant paperwork, doctor’s visits and sometimes pictures. It didn’t happen very often but when it did it was best to tell everyone right away.

Psalm 10:14

 
After our fertility treatments I took some time to self reflect,do I want to be pregnant ….. or did I want to be a mother?  In November 2002 we started researching our adoption options we looked into domestic as well as international however, all seemed all the expenses that were required plus the travel we knew we just could not afford to go that route. I came across a website for our local dept family & children services in my adoption search so we thought we’d look into it. Our first introduction seemed pretty cut and dry, there were a lot of options to look into aside from adoption for instance there was

1. Foster to Adopt
2. Foster Care
3. Kinship Care
4. Respite Home

We first signed up for the foster to adopt program because let’s be honest here, I thought this would be the fastest way to adopt a child. We went to an adoption fair hosted by the Government of Alberta just to see what our options could be. While there we spoke with various adoption and social workers profiling children available for adoption, most of the children were categorised as special needs because they were part of a sib group or were slightly older than the age of 3 which made it a little more difficult for adoption as most couples are looking to adopt mostly newborns or children under the age of 2 years.

We walked away with a mountain of information not to mention the paperwork that goes with it, shortly after we were contacted by an intake worker. To be perfectly honest the process was a blur of intake workers, interviews and paperwork…… a lot of paperwork. To start off we had to pick 3 references from family and friends as well as put together a profile for potential birth mothers who would pick out a suitable couple to raise their child. Because most of our family lived in BC I thought a fun thing to do was to send out disposable cameras and let them go crazy.

On August 23 2003 we were accepted into the foster to adopt program, we were finally  one step closer to achieving our forever family.  Have you  ever heard the term hurry up and wait, well that’s exactly what we did hurry up got the necessary things in order just so we could sit and wait. While doing so we took every class we could to pass the time while we waited for the call that could change our life in such a positive way. We were required to complete 9 hours of class time per month,most of our classmates new to the system had already received a placement and we were still waiting. Between all this my nesting instincts went into full gear. I started getting excited about a baby in our home, I knew we could get that call anytime and I wanted to be ready. Our support worker Brenda would come over periodically to give us updates and fill out child desired forms.This was not one of our most easier tasks because we knew that our child would have some special needs. Lets face it when you adopt through the government getting a healthy blue-eyed blonde hair baby was not going to happen. To be honest that’s not what we wanted, we were more than happy to take a child with special needs but picking from a list of ailments was challenging . How do you pick, it’s impossible to think of this casually we had to be realistic, we had to know our limits as hard as it was. I was feeling pretty anxious over all the waiting we were doing I would call Brenda at least once a week to see if she knew anything and it was always the same “be patient Jo something will come up.” Unfortunately as things go Brenda was transferred out of the fta program and we were assigned a new worker. We met Teresa shortly after, she seemed really nice she was young and very eager to place a child into our home.