“If I rise on the wings of the dawn,if I settle on the far side of the sea,even there your hand will guide me your right hand will hold me fast.”

Psalm 139 9 – 10
The above scripture is a reading about trust, trust really doesn’t come easy for me it’s something I have struggled with for many years now.
As I have mentioned before the word mom had become a four letter word in our house, it’s getting better as the years past but the flicker of mistrust will always be there.
Unfortunately though it isn’t just a one way street, I’m not able to trust Jayson and this really bothers me.
This child of mine whom I love and would do anything for cannot be trusted with my heart.
Since the age of 5 years I have had to watch everything I say and be aware of my actions because I was certain that if I were to move my hand a certain way or say something in anger/frustration it would surely bring back memories of “her”.
In Jayson’s mind I am the abuser only by default, as that was how he associated a mother to be.
Every once in a while since he was young Jay would play the “abuse card”.
Since the age of 3 years old he would play this card and I would be the recipient of this false accusation.
I admit that it has been a couple of years since he last told anyone or gave the impression that I abuse him but the thought is still there in the back of my mind.
I recently signed him up with a few classes about feelings of anger, sadness and just mickey mouse type of stuff for the heck of it, little did I know what can of worms I was about to open.
Apparently without our knowledge this “teacher” whom I later learned was actually a social worker was taking Jayson aside for one on one counselling for the past month.
I can’t tell you how upsetting this news was to me in fact I was actually surprised more of my reaction than by the act itself.
I couldn’t figure it out “Why did this upset me so much?” even I thought I was overreacting to the situation and tried my best to gather more information from my son.
The uncertainly of what he said concerned me, in the back of my mind was he telling this person that he was being abused at home, would we get a knock on the door by a social worker, I just didn’t trust what he said anymore.
I called the school the next day to speak with this “teacher” in regards to what was taking place in class.
I explained who I was and asked him what his credentials were, he explained that he was a social worker for the past 25 years and was quite knowledgeable with RAD.
I expressed my concerns to him and told him he was already involved with an organization to deal with his trauma and asked if he would consider informing us what he was disclosing to him as he had stopped all communication with us and his therapist.
His response took me off guard, little did I know that at the age of 12 years old he could “legally” speak with Jayson without our knowledge or permission and referred to him as his client.
I was completely taken aback by this and the “Mama Bear” in me emerged, I was not used to a stranger telling me what I could and couldn’t do as a parent.
That at the age of 12 this child had more rights than his parents and we were not required to interfere with these said rights.
Unfortunately I lost my professional mask and went straight on attack, I told him that he was no longer to go anywhere near Jayson to “counsel him” nor is Jayson allowed to seek him out.
I informed this person that Jayson has accused me of abuse that he does have Reactive Attachment Disorder and that we were working on his trauma already and that he did not have our permission to speak to him.
When I got off the phone I was shaking like a leaf from anger, my guard was up and I went into survival mode.
I called his therapist to inform him of the situation at hand then proceeded to call our support worker if our names were ever flagged in the system for charges of abuse.
It’s terrible that this was the first thing I did but I felt like I had to protect our family and make it clear to Jayson that what he was doing was very serious and reminded him that he has accused me of abuse to his teachers in the past and informing him that he was not talking to a teacher like he thought but a social worker.
It’s kind of scary to constantly think this way, always on my guard not really knowing what will happen next but I know I have to let it go and just put all my faith in God no matter how difficult it is.
This is a problem that I’m working on I admit fully and take responsibility for this as I can’t let go of his behaviours in the past and always waiting to see what will happen next.
I’m a work in progress I will have to take the time to get past this nd learn to forgive him which is easier said than done some days.
Until next time

It’s just the start of Christmas break and already I feel that I’m failing as a parent.
In the seven and a half years since parenting a child with RAD,  I’d thought wouldn’t get as frustrated by him as much as I do but these past few months alone have been a challenge in itself.
It seems that the minute I’m making some progress things just have a way to going to hell.
I know that once the routine of school ends that things have a way of going south really fast.
I wish they had a manual that was handed to you once you have a child adopted or not, I would call it  “How not to screw up your kid’s life even more than it already is”.
I don’t think there is a parent alive that doesn’t wish they had this book.
Christmas has since come and gone and as low-key as we try to make it there’s always going to be hiccups no matter what.
It took Jay almost the whole Christmas break to get used to the idea of no school, by that time it was actually time to get back to class routine and so far its taken the whole month of January just to get him back on track.
He’s regressed to the point where both Kevin and I have no idea what to do.
The lack of verbal communication in itself is frustrating because instead of verbalizing his wants or needs he resorts to staring at you and the 20 questions begin, leaving you completely mentally drained.
I wish we had a larger support system within our family than we do but to consistently defend the way we parent our children can too be draining especially when you don’t know anything about RAD or how it affects the family in the home.
I often wonder though if I’m forcing Grace to age beyond her years, the guilt alone makes me feel sick inside but it’s a necessity.
I worry that by putting this kind of pressure on her will have her resenting me when she’s older especially if one day she needs to take over the responsibility of the older sibling.
I’m thankful to have people in my life who do understand the challenges we face without these people in my life I wouldn’t know what to do.
I can’t expect our families to really understand because they are only looking in a window that really doesn’t let you see the whole picture.
It’s so complicated because unless you are with the child day in and day out you can’t begin to understand the illness of RAD.
I know for a fact that you cannot parent a child of trauma the traditional way, it’s always a hit and miss and a guarantee disaster because traditional methods just don’t work.
I feel as though for the first time in a long time Kevin and I are working together as one.
For awhile my anger, helplessness, and sheer exhaustion nearly torn us apart because I was letting Jayson get the best of me I took everything he did personally where as Kevin didn’t let him do it.
My bucket was empty I had nothing left to give back and its scared me to death because I had lost control he was in full control of the situation.
The ongoing chaos that consumed me was overwhelming to the point where I just couldn’t handle even the simplest things.
I was hiding from everyone friends would literally drag me out of the house just to get some life back into me.
The day I knew I had to stop the cycle was when I was sitting in the doctor’s office waiting to get my monthly blood pressure taken.
As he took one look at me that was it I completely broke down and could not for the life of me stop crying.
I knew I couldn’t hold it in for much longer but I’m pretty sure I was just as surprised as he over my reaction.
It was as if seven years of stress, tears and exhaustion was released and dumped on this poor man who had known me for 10 years which was great because he had been with us throughout most of our foster care and when we had lost custody of Jayson to his birth mom.
It was a relief to talk to someone who knew what our background was and understood the stress we were under its taken me a good nine years to finally purge and put it somewhat behind me.
There was very little I could mentally handle outside family pressures, a slight change in tone of voice or something as little as an over powering personality would set off in tears leaving those to wonder if I had a stroke.
I can’t say I blame them how could I explain what was going on if I didn’t know myself I didn’t like who I had become this wasn’t who I was.
I had never been this lost or out of control before looking from the outside in my imagination only gets the best of me.
My whole life was fixated on helping Jay, fixing Jay, doing everything I could to figure out why was he doing this why did he hate me so much when all I want was to take the pain that he holds so tightly on away.
I did not want to turn to alcohol every time I had a stressful day, not that I’m a big drinker to begin, with I just knew that wasn’t the answer.
Although the  occasion glass of wine did manage to calm my nerves I did not want it to be a habit.
It took a full month and a half to start feeling like my old self, despite how hard Jay tried to push my buttons I would not give him that satisfaction.
Soon Kevin began to notice subtle changes in me, I laughed more, ignored Jayson’s behaviour of the day and focused every once of energy into some thing positive.
Grace has been my saving grace, her positivity and energy she brings is  refreshing one minute you feel like you’re drowning and then she comes along sits on my lap and chatters about her day gives me a kiss and tells me “I love you Mama” and its with these little words that she says  that erases the hurt inside.
We are a work in progress and one day the storm will pass.

As a mother going on 11 years now I was always put up to a higher standard than most, not to say that I’m special or anything but when I was a foster parent we were expected to be absolutely flawless.
Being a mom isn’t easy on the best of days for anyone but when you are under a microscope we are expected to be perfect.
In my case though because of my cerebral palsy I had to be better than everyone else and prove that I was very capable to care for an infant or small child.
I felt as though with every child that was brought into our home there was always that look you see in a social worker’s eyes wondering if in fact I was capable in handling a child with “special needs”.
This was nothing new to me my whole life I have felt like I had to be twice as good as everyone else because there was always someone out there waiting for me to fail.
As a woman I feel like we are our worst critic we are terrible to each other instead of supporting one another we sit in judgement men don’t do this as they don’t necessary care what they think of each other but as  parents we are terrible to each other.
I’m not saying that everyone is like this as I have a wonderful set of girlfriends who understand the challenges we face when we have a child of trauma and it’s those friends that are truly invaluable to me.
Since Jayson came back to us we are slowly trying to figure out what sets him off.
At first we never really knew what could set him off, it became difficult for me as he would not tell us what was going on only that he would start shutting down at a moment’s notice and would take anywhere from a few hours to a week for him to get over.
Even now when something unexpected happens I find myself looking for the fastest and closest exit just incase something happens.
A lot of times if I had to take the kids out honestly I felt better when Kevin was around because of the calming effect he has on me and he can usually entertain Jayson while I do the things I need to do.
I suppose we are really lucky that he doesn’t “freak out” as much out in public as he used to there were only a few times that he has totally melted down in a store and Kevin had to physically carry him out.
I have to admit though that sometimes when my patience is low I want to hide from everyone which I know isn’t fair to Kevin.
I don’t know why I do this except that I know its a habit I need to break.
One of my many challenges that I face is the lying and manipulation I never know when he is telling me the truth or if he’s straight out lying.
I want to trust him I really do but once I start letting my guard down that’s when he starts to lie.
The thing that kills me is that no matter what every one says I can not help but take it personally even if it has nothing to do with me whatsoever.
To this day I don’t understand why he does this and honestly I don’t think he knows either but its something we are still working on and possibly still will even after he becomes of age.
A mother will always worry about their children lets face it it’s almost second nature.
We are truly lucky when it comes to Jay, his RAD is not as severe as some children of trauma considering his first 5 years of life he could be so much worse off.
I think back 7 years when the kids returned to us, Jayson was so messed up even after all these years a part of him still holds on to his past, afraid to trust any adult and afraid to trust himself.
I’m so proud of how far he has come yet we still have a long way to go with him.
I am a control freak, it’s a habit I’m trying very hard to break.
As a parent we can only push our children so far before we have to sit back and let them make their own choices no matter how hard you want to step in and take over.
I think a part of me wishes I could go back to when the kids were babies, what would things be like had we gotten Grace at birth and Jayson never left our home?
I could play that game all day if I choose to but the fact is he did go back and we’re still struggling with the results of those 5 months nearly 8 years later.
I thank God for Grace, because she was so young at the time of her apprehension and her birth mom was under the care of social services when she was pregnant, she is much more healthier and stable in relationships than Jayson will ever be.